Music For Any Occassion

19 Nov

Clothing made from a new material which incorporates fibers from singing trees of the planet Sangari, which is located in the Comet Galaxy, is gaining popularity.  With movement, these ‘singing clothes’ make melodies, harmonies or sing.

Several clothing companies have created new lines using musical fabrics.  Rock Rags, Melodic Mods and Techno Tees are the top brands while JazzE Jackets and Hip Hop Hats are gaining popularity. With a boom in sales, public places are filled with music from the Sangarians wearing these clothes.

For customers wanting quieter garments, one company, TuneWear, has designed a new line which only plays music in response to certain events.  Their punk rock pajamas only play music in the presence of other punk rock pajamas making it a hit at sleepovers.  The line may still need a little work. One Sangarian, Mikkri Bryxn, told Newswire  she had to return her garment after colleagues started ‘accidentally’ spilling things on her so they could hear her Showtune Shirt perform Singing in the Rain.

Robots A Success

14 Nov

The Latest from the planet Aldebaran located in the Alpha Taurus Star System

In today’s news, Penelope Pit-Bots, the crime prevention robots, have had a great deal of success in rehabilitating white collar criminals.  The bots are used at minimum security facilities which house petty thieves serving sentences of 6 months or less. Official reports reveal that in one incident, a Penelope Pit-Bot tackled an inmate , pinning him to the ground because he put a paper plate in the  plastic recycling bin. In another incident a Penelope Pit-Bot shrieked like a banshee and netted an inmate after he took two pieces of candy from a dish clearly marked “take one”.   Exit surveys of inmates released from these facilities show that 93% have no desire to bounce a check,  96% have no desire to shoplift, and 100% have no desire to date anyone named Penelope.

No End In Sight For Traffic Jam

31 Oct

The  Pihbar Production Company, headquartered on
the planet Helon in the Hekar Solar System is the producer of the hit reality show “Traffic Jam”.  The show highlights drama played out during a morning commute. Today, the company announced intentions to increase production of its new product Traffic Jam.

Traffic Jam comes in a variety of delicious flavors including glokenberry, tayfruit and inimelon. The thick jam, which looks absolutely delicious, is difficult to remove from the jar.  The jar’s tiny opening prevents knives or spoons from entering, while the tightly vacuum-sealed cover means very few jars, if any, actually get opened. The jar itself is made of an impenetrable alloy that cannot be cracked with force, pressure or a hammer.

Originally marketed as a temporary gimmick offering $25 to the first consumer to get a taste, sales have skyrocketed.  Although the $25 prize remains unclaimed, the jam, which was designed to “give consumers that authentic feeling of frustration experienced during a traffic jam” has become very popular on the planet of Helon as the number one product given as an anonymous gift.  When our  news team caught up with one Helonian who had received dozens of jars, she had this to say, “Get off my property!” and threw the jars at us  and re-gifted the jam during our visit.

Hotel Chain Expanding

20 Oct

The Dinwwitti Hotel Chain, with over 60 hotels on several planets throughout the Arietis Star System, has announced  plans for the first ever self service hotels. The self service hotels, designed to appeal to cheapskates address the needs of cost conscious travelers, will not spoil them with  luxuries. According to a company spokesperson, guests of the hotel check themselves in, pick up their own room service and clean their own rooms. He went on to say, towels and sheets will be delivered to rooms and guests can change their own linens. Not everyone we interviewed was optimistic. One Arietite commented “I can’t pay my husband to pick up his laundry at home and they want him to pay to pick it up when he travels.”

Educational Materials Pass Test

16 Oct

All new books for elementary school students have received wide acclaim throughout the Kuiper Asteroid Belt. The Books, which were tested at a school on the dwarf planet Haumea, are programed with artificial intelligence microchips. The chips gauge the educational level of the reader and automatically adjust the information presented to increase learning.  If the audio book was originally programmed with a simple poem such as:

  • Mary had a little lamb,   Its fleece was white as snow,  And everywhere that Mary  went,  The lamb was sure to go.

When a first grader reads it, the poem would sound something like this:

  •  Mary – the usual English form of Maria, which was the Latin form of the Greek names Μαριαμ (Mariam) and Μαρια (Maria)  originally derived from Latin meaning ‘star of the sea’, Was the owner of a small vertebrate land mammal,  commonly known as a lamb

We won’t bore you with the rest.

Newswire visited the school where the testing took place and we caught up with two first graders playing ball on the playground:

Cyd: “Reginald, would you be so kind as to toss me the ball.”
Rege: “Why certainly Cedric. Here you are.”
Cyd: “Thank you old bean.”

Teachers and parents alike are praising the books as an asset to the educational program. One father told Newswire the children are using what they’ve learned at home as well.  “When I told my son to eat his vegetables he tried to get out of it by saying that the Nobel Laureate De Brogile managed to compose his dissertation on the theory of quanta without the assistance of broccoli.”

D As In Djibouti

2 Oct

Local News from Caly, located on the planet Telni in The Leonis Star System:

The city of Caly has passed a new ordinance prohibiting the popular trend of annoying a telemarketer. The ordinance was proposed by Council Member LeLoyd (pronounced Loyd) after his wife, herself a telemarketer, received a call from Padke Taw who spelled his name:

P as in pterodactyl
A as in aisle
D as in Djibouti
K as in knickers
E as in Euphrates

T as in tsunami,
A as in are
W as in why

Response to the ‘D as in Djibouti’ Ordinance was mixed. One telemarketer, contacted by phone for comment, said he did not care for the name of the law. When Newswire suggested ‘G as in Gnome’ as a possible alternative, he promptly hung up the phone.

Tennis Racket

29 Sep

New tennis racquets have everyone talking at this year’s Quasar Tennis Open being held in the  Eastern Quadrant of the Garren Nebula.

Quasar tennis uses giant computerized racquets, built by teams, to hit moon sized spheres across open areas of space. The top three teams with the highest scores win. Older model racquets, made with plastic, make no noise during game play.  The newer racquets, used for the first time this year, are made of metal and make loud noises when moving or making contact with the spheres.  The noises can be heard from great distances and planets in the surrounding area have requested  that the new racquets be replaced with quieter models.

When Newswire interviewed fans attending the games and residents on the surrounding planets, the response from each was the same “What? I can’t hear you!”  Officials have agreed to replace the racquets.

Bugs In Pest Control Plan

25 Sep

This insect, known as the Zyklyd, has been genetically altered to prefer eating fast foods and chocolates over eating vegetables and other crops.  The Chowterlt Chemical Company, located on the planet Edasich in the Draconis Star System initially presented their research as a revolutionary solution to the planet’s pest problem.  But the genetically modified insects have become a problem for merchants, farmers and citizens alike. Apparently the chocolate loving bugs have become the food-of-choice for numerous predators that prefer the chocolate and fast food flavor bugs over other types of insects.

Birds and small rodents seek out the chocolate bugs en mass, leaving populations of other insects, which have not been genetically altered, to grow at alarming rates and destroy crops unhindered. The chocolate loving bugs have moved away from rural areas where junk foods are scarce and are now invading heavily industrialized areas where they are plentiful. They have ruined celebrations for couples after being found in thousands of boxes of chocolates. They swarm junk food hubs and hop onto candy bars across the planet.

Unfortunately, their predators have followed them.  Industrialized areas have become overrun with birds, rodents and small animals seeking out the junk food/chocolate flavored bugs.  Additionally, larger animals, unable to find small animals to feed on, have also followed their prey to these larger populated areas.

The planet’s entire ecosystem has been thrown into chaos and its citizens endangered. Top scientists of the planet’s governments, assembled to address the crisis, say they have finally isolated an isotope which will neutralize the chemicals and return the insects to their original state.

When questioned as to why the bugs were genetically modified to prefer chocolates in the first place, The company’s president, Bubba,  had this to say “when my 3 year old suggested it, it sounded like such a good idea”.

Event Horizons Temporarily Closed

16 Sep

Event Horizons Amusement Park located on the planet Thelni in the Ceti B Star Cluster has closed for repairs. Many rides are malfunctioning including the time-space-continuum bumper cars and anti-gravitational roller coaster. No injuries were reported, but, one park goer who entered the worm hole fun house ended up some 32 light years away. Park officials paid for her cab ride home. Another park goer,  61 year old Gorlik Bybvy, emerged from her cosmic train ride 40 years younger. When park attendants attempted to reverse the side effects she beat them with her umbrella and threatened to sue them if they tried.

Debate Resolved

12 Sep

For years there has been theoretical intellectual debate amongst differing schools of thought within the scientific community regarding whether or not, time travel, if possible, would affect the mind. Now researchers from the Mintaka Star-System have definitive proof that time travel is possible and does in fact affect the mind. Reports confirm that Professor Lu Pe (pronounced qnnd-hdqpff), Professor of Science, has been the first Mintakan to ever travel through time.  According to official documents, he entered a time travel chamber and traveled back in time by thirty seconds.  His research has now stalled however, because , upon his return, Professor Pe had no recollection of traveling back in time,  did not remember building the time machine, and hasn’t the slightest idea how it works.