Archive | September, 2011

Tennis Racket

29 Sep

New tennis racquets have everyone talking at this year’s Quasar Tennis Open being held in the  Eastern Quadrant of the Garren Nebula.

Quasar tennis uses giant computerized racquets, built by teams, to hit moon sized spheres across open areas of space. The top three teams with the highest scores win. Older model racquets, made with plastic, make no noise during game play.  The newer racquets, used for the first time this year, are made of metal and make loud noises when moving or making contact with the spheres.  The noises can be heard from great distances and planets in the surrounding area have requested  that the new racquets be replaced with quieter models.

When Newswire interviewed fans attending the games and residents on the surrounding planets, the response from each was the same “What? I can’t hear you!”  Officials have agreed to replace the racquets.


Bugs In Pest Control Plan

25 Sep

This insect, known as the Zyklyd, has been genetically altered to prefer eating fast foods and chocolates over eating vegetables and other crops.  The Chowterlt Chemical Company, located on the planet Edasich in the Draconis Star System initially presented their research as a revolutionary solution to the planet’s pest problem.  But the genetically modified insects have become a problem for merchants, farmers and citizens alike. Apparently the chocolate loving bugs have become the food-of-choice for numerous predators that prefer the chocolate and fast food flavor bugs over other types of insects.

Birds and small rodents seek out the chocolate bugs en mass, leaving populations of other insects, which have not been genetically altered, to grow at alarming rates and destroy crops unhindered. The chocolate loving bugs have moved away from rural areas where junk foods are scarce and are now invading heavily industrialized areas where they are plentiful. They have ruined celebrations for couples after being found in thousands of boxes of chocolates. They swarm junk food hubs and hop onto candy bars across the planet.

Unfortunately, their predators have followed them.  Industrialized areas have become overrun with birds, rodents and small animals seeking out the junk food/chocolate flavored bugs.  Additionally, larger animals, unable to find small animals to feed on, have also followed their prey to these larger populated areas.

The planet’s entire ecosystem has been thrown into chaos and its citizens endangered. Top scientists of the planet’s governments, assembled to address the crisis, say they have finally isolated an isotope which will neutralize the chemicals and return the insects to their original state.

When questioned as to why the bugs were genetically modified to prefer chocolates in the first place, The company’s president, Bubba,  had this to say “when my 3 year old suggested it, it sounded like such a good idea”.

Event Horizons Temporarily Closed

16 Sep

Event Horizons Amusement Park located on the planet Thelni in the Ceti B Star Cluster has closed for repairs. Many rides are malfunctioning including the time-space-continuum bumper cars and anti-gravitational roller coaster. No injuries were reported, but, one park goer who entered the worm hole fun house ended up some 32 light years away. Park officials paid for her cab ride home. Another park goer,  61 year old Gorlik Bybvy, emerged from her cosmic train ride 40 years younger. When park attendants attempted to reverse the side effects she beat them with her umbrella and threatened to sue them if they tried.

Debate Resolved

12 Sep

For years there has been theoretical intellectual debate amongst differing schools of thought within the scientific community regarding whether or not, time travel, if possible, would affect the mind. Now researchers from the Mintaka Star-System have definitive proof that time travel is possible and does in fact affect the mind. Reports confirm that Professor Lu Pe (pronounced qnnd-hdqpff), Professor of Science, has been the first Mintakan to ever travel through time.  According to official documents, he entered a time travel chamber and traveled back in time by thirty seconds.  His research has now stalled however, because , upon his return, Professor Pe had no recollection of traveling back in time,  did not remember building the time machine, and hasn’t the slightest idea how it works.

Meledru Picnic Cancelled

5 Sep

Newswire has learned that the First Annual Picnic to improve cooperation between Meledru City’s two security departments (Meledru Secret Service and Meledru Secret Police) has been cancelled.  A picnic spokesperson explained, “Our security restrictions wouldn’t allow us to tell them the picnic’s location,  and their security restrictions wouldn’t allow them to tell us the picnic’s date.”

Ginelik Recalls Storage Containers

1 Sep

The Ginelik Corporation, headquarted on the underplanet Krenylen, has issued a recall notice for its line of sentient tupperware.  Krenylen authorities have received numerous consumer complaints about the sentient storage containers  refusing to store some consumer foods.   ” ‘E  insulted ma cooking ‘e did!” said one visibly shaken homemaker after her sentient sandwich box refused to store her homemade hoagies.” ‘E said I wouldn’t know ‘ow to boil water!”  After gagging on sampling her hoagie, the company’s representative had this to say from his hospital bed,  “Why? Why would anyone put prunes in a hoagie? Why?”.