Archive | October, 2011

No End In Sight For Traffic Jam

31 Oct

The  Pihbar Production Company, headquartered on
the planet Helon in the Hekar Solar System is the producer of the hit reality show “Traffic Jam”.  The show highlights drama played out during a morning commute. Today, the company announced intentions to increase production of its new product Traffic Jam.

Traffic Jam comes in a variety of delicious flavors including glokenberry, tayfruit and inimelon. The thick jam, which looks absolutely delicious, is difficult to remove from the jar.  The jar’s tiny opening prevents knives or spoons from entering, while the tightly vacuum-sealed cover means very few jars, if any, actually get opened. The jar itself is made of an impenetrable alloy that cannot be cracked with force, pressure or a hammer.

Originally marketed as a temporary gimmick offering $25 to the first consumer to get a taste, sales have skyrocketed.  Although the $25 prize remains unclaimed, the jam, which was designed to “give consumers that authentic feeling of frustration experienced during a traffic jam” has become very popular on the planet of Helon as the number one product given as an anonymous gift.  When our  news team caught up with one Helonian who had received dozens of jars, she had this to say, “Get off my property!” and threw the jars at us  and re-gifted the jam during our visit.

Hotel Chain Expanding

20 Oct

The Dinwwitti Hotel Chain, with over 60 hotels on several planets throughout the Arietis Star System, has announced  plans for the first ever self service hotels. The self service hotels, designed to appeal to cheapskates address the needs of cost conscious travelers, will not spoil them with  luxuries. According to a company spokesperson, guests of the hotel check themselves in, pick up their own room service and clean their own rooms. He went on to say, towels and sheets will be delivered to rooms and guests can change their own linens. Not everyone we interviewed was optimistic. One Arietite commented “I can’t pay my husband to pick up his laundry at home and they want him to pay to pick it up when he travels.”

Educational Materials Pass Test

16 Oct


All new books for elementary school students have received wide acclaim throughout the Kuiper Asteroid Belt. The Books, which were tested at a school on the dwarf planet Haumea, are programed with artificial intelligence microchips. The chips gauge the educational level of the reader and automatically adjust the information presented to increase learning.  If the audio book was originally programmed with a simple poem such as:

  • Mary had a little lamb,   Its fleece was white as snow,  And everywhere that Mary  went,  The lamb was sure to go.

When a first grader reads it, the poem would sound something like this:

  •  Mary – the usual English form of Maria, which was the Latin form of the Greek names Μαριαμ (Mariam) and Μαρια (Maria)  originally derived from Latin meaning ‘star of the sea’, Was the owner of a small vertebrate land mammal,  commonly known as a lamb

We won’t bore you with the rest.

Newswire visited the school where the testing took place and we caught up with two first graders playing ball on the playground:

Cyd: “Reginald, would you be so kind as to toss me the ball.”
Rege: “Why certainly Cedric. Here you are.”
Cyd: “Thank you old bean.”

Teachers and parents alike are praising the books as an asset to the educational program. One father told Newswire the children are using what they’ve learned at home as well.  “When I told my son to eat his vegetables he tried to get out of it by saying that the Nobel Laureate De Brogile managed to compose his dissertation on the theory of quanta without the assistance of broccoli.”

D As In Djibouti

2 Oct

Local News from Caly, located on the planet Telni in The Leonis Star System:

The city of Caly has passed a new ordinance prohibiting the popular trend of annoying a telemarketer. The ordinance was proposed by Council Member LeLoyd (pronounced Loyd) after his wife, herself a telemarketer, received a call from Padke Taw who spelled his name:

P as in pterodactyl
A as in aisle
D as in Djibouti
K as in knickers
E as in Euphrates

T as in tsunami,
A as in are
W as in why

Response to the ‘D as in Djibouti’ Ordinance was mixed. One telemarketer, contacted by phone for comment, said he did not care for the name of the law. When Newswire suggested ‘G as in Gnome’ as a possible alternative, he promptly hung up the phone.